Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Second Job Interview

I had my second job interview. I think it was okay. I was pretty nervous, but managed to speak clearly for the most part. My current boss wished me luck, which was so nice because she wants me to stay. She's great to work with and the best boss I've had.

So I'm just waiting, and I'm not the most patient person.

Afterwards I felt like I wanted to smoke a cigarette. I haven't smoked for a long time, and so I decided not to pick it up again. Then I thought about getting a drink, but decided that drinking to relieve stress isn't healthy. I then wanted a donut, but recently gave up sugar for a couple of months. Now, I think I'm going to go swimming. See, prospective employer, I'm responsible.

Sunday, July 29, 2007


Last night I went drinking with a good friend. I drink about once a month, and when I do, I mean business. By business I mean I drink about three or four liquor drinks. Drinking this amount over the course of several hours seems moderate, but I always get drunk. The day after I get drunk I always feel sinful. Feeling sinful is a weird feeling, full of remorse and humility. Sinful is also something that I usually don't feel, although according to Christians, sinning is something I do quite a bit. For starters there's all the sex. I have had quite a bit of sex, and never been married (not even for a day). I swear quite a bit, taking the lord's name in vain with a frequency that makes Jesus a word my daughter correlates with dropping something, or some other such blunder. I shit talk my mom. I think that's it for the ten commandments, although I guess I covet sometimes, but actually I'm going to look up the exact definition right now.

Here's what I got:

1.to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others: to covet another's property.
2.to wish for, esp. eagerly: He won the prize they all coveted.
–verb (used without object)
3.to have an inordinate or wrongful desire.

I guess I do number 2 sometimes. Who decides if the desire is wrong, though? God, I guess. As for the seven deadly sins, I'm not quite sure that I know them all, but am fairly certain that I am guilty of them all at some time or another. Fortunately, my view of god is much different from this view, which leads me not feeling sinful most of the time, except when I drink or drive somewhere I should've ridden my bike.

I have gotten completely off point, though. My point was feminism. My friend and I got into a lengthy argument about an issue that affects an organization that we both belong to. We agreed with the larger issue, being prochoice. We strongly disagreed with the way the organization handled a man's (and here I use man, when really boy would work better, but he is physically an adult) listserve outburst about being antichoice. We censured him in a meeting. Not censor, okay? but censure:

1.strong or vehement expression of disapproval: The newspapers were unanimous in their censure of the tax proposal.
2.an official reprimand, as by a legislative body of one of its members.
–verb (used with object)
3.to criticize or reproach in a harsh or vehement manner: She is more to be pitied than censured.
–verb (used without object)
4.to give censure, adverse criticism, disapproval, or blame.

I think she thought that we were doing number 4, when I felt we were doing number 1. So she was empathizing with this guy, who said a pretty fucked up thing, because he came to the meeting to take his chops and he apologized. Later he acted like an asshole, and basically said that the method of what he said was incorrect, but not the nature.

We ended up having a long, drunken conversation which touched upon why people are indoctrinated to empathize with men, and not women, even when the man is the person who is in the wrong. This morning I realized, with some depression, that the patriarchy has very effectively counterorganized against feminists. Radical, liberal, and progressive people still have these male eyes to filter the world through, even if they're women. Yes, he made a mistake, some thought, but we can see ourselves there: saying misogynistic things. My reaction to his outburst was very upset. When people are antichoice, I feel like they are dismissing my whole existence, my reality. It is so difficult to be a poor, single parent. It is exhausting to the point of pain, and there is little social support. There is scorn and constant judgment. Forcing someone to live this life discounts my struggle, my choice. The people who were empathizing with this manbaby, did not show signs of empathizing with me. Nobody even acknowledged what I was saying. Some actually sighed, rolled their eyes, and brought up controversial, radical feminists for comparison.

This was the second feat of counterorganization: to discount any anger that a feminist has, and other her. As a feminist, I feel like I have to check my anger, or I will be put in the box, and put away. People won't listen to my arguments, because they think that they understand what's in the box, which is hatred of men (this isn't even close to my analysis). Which pissed me off. I should be able to be angry!

My friend thought that at an all women meeting, the feminists were going to basically bully all the women into a decision she didn't agree with. Which is the third point for patriarchy, to paint feminists as bullies who push their already made up agenda on all women.

Which isn't true. We wanted a meeting to give voice to all the women, to know their experiences in the organization.

Finally, my friend said that she was intimidated by women, and didn't really have many close women friends, because she didn't really like most of them. She hates female competition. Fair enough. There is no prize we're competing for. But, what a misogynistic society we have when radical women in it say things like they don't really like women (with a few exceptions). Which was the final blow to leave me stumbling home defeated.

N, if you are reading this, I'm sorry I pushed you and I would like to have another sober conversation because I love you and I love women and the organization.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

The Interview

At the interview there were 6 (!) people interviewing me. I did pretty well. I only spaced out when they asked me the diversity question (Why is diversity important to an organization?) I went with the keep talking and hopefully something smart comes out approach.

The rest of it went well. I actually have experience in a lot of the things they're looking for. I was hoping that they would just go ahead and hire me, but they called me back for a second interview. So, I don't know what to expect. I also don't know what to say to my current boss. I told her I'd tell her next week what I'm going to do. Maybe I can hold her off until the end of the week; my interview is on Tuesday.

Job interviews leave me so anxious. I ended up getting a headache from the stress that night.

The pressure is intense now. It's probably down to one other person and me. I found out that they'll pay for most of my bachelor's degree. So if I fuck this up, I lose my chance to climb out of poverty.

I'm still thinking about soldiers, but mostly fantasizing about having enough money to pay all my bills.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


Tomorrow I have a job interview for a job that seems to have most of what I've been looking for in a position. It is in the field I want to start my career in. It is a nonprofit, which means I won't have to work for a profit driven corporation (which I really don't want to do). The benefits are great. Really great. Full medical, vision, dental insurance are included for the Tiny Tyrant and me (maybe even my lover) . Life insurance, disability, and some free college courses are also available. The wage is more than I've ever made (still below the mean income for my area), and I could actually pay all my bills and rent. I could even afford childcare. Currently the TT's dad and I shuffle our schedules to work out childcare. I may be able to slowly start saving for a house.

If I do get it, the TT's dad may work less, with me kicking him down some money. This was the plan when the TT's dad and I were together: that after I finished with schooling he would work less and be with her more while I got a good job.

On the other hand, I really like the job I have. The atmosphere is so relaxed. I can walk in 15 minutes late and all anyone says is, "How was your weekend?" or something similar. I do my job well and have a lot of autonomy. I like the people I work with. I especially like the boss I'm the assistant for. She's smart, funny, and can tell the Executive Director what's up. She's a great role model for me. This job has offered me more hours and more pay. This job is without all the rad benefits, as I would only work 30 hours a week. I also would bring home less money, but would get to spend more time with the TT.

I don't know which job I would rather have. Do I leave a good thing for something that is unsure, but could really improve my finances? Right now I'm open to whatever works out. Tomorrow I will decide whether this job would be a good fit for me, and hopefully if it is, they'll like me too.

I've also been thinking about soldiers lately, but will take that on another day.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Doing my part

Citigroup profit rises 18%

Personally, I am proud to do my part. Citibank owns my soul, err brain. My brain, it turns out is worth over $20,000 plus interest.

After paying my student loan, my electric bill, my final medical bill, and my phone bill I have $100 left for food for two weeks. Thanks Citigroup! Although Citigroup shouldn't get all the credit. A big shout out to Sprint, the electric company and my doctor.

That sixth grade teacher was right; capitalism really is the best economic system. Just think of the efficiency!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

The Tiny Tyrant

The Tiny Tyrant was going full force today. She woke up a few times last night, but it only seemed to slow me down. I decided to grab my camera and take some pictures.

Here's one of her "tattoos"
These stickers, of course, ended up all over the floor. Do you see her punk rock tank top? I cut it myself from a long sleeve shirt. I've been doing this with a lot of her clothes, as it's hot and we're pretty broke.

I sent TTT to her room after she kept unfolding and hopping on laundry I was folding. Buddhists with sand paintings have nothing on me and laundry. Here's a picture of her yelling to the construction workers out of the window:

She yelled, "Hey, help me! My mommy put me in my room, and I can't get out without falling." Which is hilarious, although since I'm poor, I sometimes worry about people's perceptions of my parenting, as the reality of children being taken by the state is so much nearer. Middle-class parents can joke about their drinking, and rich people can be photographed with their children riding outside of their car seats, but a poor, single mother doing either of these things is another example of ignorant trash breeding. :sigh, why can't we just educate them about condoms?

Another funny quote is, "Guess what's in my cooter?"

Me, "Hopefully nothing, but if there is something in there you'd better take it out right now."

Her, "Ha ha here it is."

Me, "Oh a seed, gross. Hand it to me."

Finally, spoken to my friend, "Don't you give that to my fucking mommy."

Yes, first F-Bomb. Truly a red letter day.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I hate Happyfeet

Sure, there's an environmental message. It's okay to be different, and an slant against blindly following organized religion. But this movie is obnoxious. Pick a theme, Warner Brothers. Also, it's weirdly sexual for a children's movie. "I want your eggs, baby let's talk about you and me!?"

I feel better now.


I know we're just getting to know each other, internet, well except for you, Google. Although from what your ads suggest, I don't think you know the real me. My first thoughts on the tiny tyranny (or a short-lived breather from it) have turned to my semi-private shower. The depraved bliss was so great, that I was (almost) laughing to myself as I was taking it. I say almost, because I was in a public shower at the pool, and naked laughter is enough for some people to think others are insane.

The shower itself was in a room with shower heads lined up against parallel walls. While there were other naked ladies showering after their lap swim, it was still the most private shower I've had in recent memory.

It was absent a tiny person throwing toys at me with which to play. Nobody tried to join me, and absolutely nobody was yelling at me because they needed rice milk, their ass wiped, a snack (no not that snack), and nobody was fake-crying at the neglect of not having her immediate needs met by me for the last five minutes.

The shower was hot, and silent. The missing shower curtain, the strangers, the fear of contracting plantar warts didn't detract from my tranquility. The lap swim was worth the small sum of money charged, but the shower was invaluable.